Why do you kiss me the way you do?
First so tenderly- I almost feel cared for
And then so firmly- I almost feel wanted
Why do you hold me the way you do?
At first so awkwardly- and I feel awkward too
And then so close- and I feel safe and dare I say—cared for? Dare I?
No- I dare not
It feels like you are
Fumbling- around in the dark with hands out stretched
You seem unafraid of what your hands may brush
Yet when they come upon what might be an “us”-
Your presence fades away and I am left alone
At first I-
I liked you so much I-
I convinced myself you just wanted things ‘simple’
You didn’t know how much you liked me
Enough to tenderly place your mouth upon my cheek and smile that sinfully sweet smile at me
At second- that night I stayed over
“I’m going to do something crazy” you said and I-
I didn’t process what happened until twenty-two minutes after the fact or some ridiculous amount
And I was happy- I still liked you so much
At third- “you’re not that important to me”
Not your exact words- but basically what you said and I-
I felt shattered- I will not lie, I cried- it hurt me so much and I hated myself so much for trusting you
And I backed off considerably I’d like to think- I didn’t seek you out so much anymore, I had to heal, you see
At fourth- I was out of town and you wanted to hang out and-
And I was confused… because not even a month earlier you stated the opposite fact
At fifth- you wanted to hang out but I told you to go eat instead
At sixth- you forgot and-
And I hated myself again for believing in you
At seventh- I’m watching breaking bad and you-
You apologize for being an asshole to me
And I forgave you- I think I forgive too easily, it still hurts you see
At eighth- we hung out again, it’s been months since I last saw you, hugged you, touched you
But I was unsure and I was careful
And you were awkward
And I warmed up in the light of the sun- perhaps it thawed my icy shell just enough for you to come in again
And you kissed me again and I-
I won’t lie, I enjoy it- kissing you, being close to you, touching you
I feel safe, I feel understood, I feel not so alone, I feel like things will be okay
But I don’t know- I mean I really do not know
How long I can keep not knowing what it is with “us”- the seemingly nonexistent “us”
Do I care too much?
Do I want too much?
Do you just want things simple?
I wonder how “friends with benefits”- because I don’t know what else to call “us”-
I just want to know what I mean to you
I just want to know why you do these things
I just want to know if you’re toying with my feelings-
Tugging at my heart strings
And I won’t blame you for too long if you go- if you just up and leave because I made things too complicated
I’ll blame you for a while- don’t hold that against me, please
You mean so much to me
But not enough to keep making myself miserable over
No- I can’t do that shit anymore.