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Why do you kiss me the way you do?
First so tenderly- I almost feel cared for
And then so firmly- I almost feel wanted

Why do you hold me the way you do?
At first so awkwardly- and I feel awkward too
And then so close- and I feel safe and dare I say—cared for? Dare I?
No- I dare not

It feels like you are
Fumbling- around in the dark with hands out stretched
You seem unafraid of what your hands may brush
Yet when they come upon what might be an “us”-
Your presence fades away and I am left alone

At first I-
I liked you so much I-
I convinced myself you just wanted things ‘simple’
You didn’t know how much you liked me
Enough to tenderly place your mouth upon my cheek and smile that sinfully sweet smile at me
At second- that night I stayed over
“I’m going to do something crazy” you said and I-
I didn’t process what happened until twenty-two minutes after the fact or some ridiculous amount
And I was happy- I still liked you so much
At third- “you’re not that important to me”
Not your exact words- but basically what you said and I-
I felt shattered- I will not lie, I cried- it hurt me so much and I hated myself so much for trusting you
And I backed off considerably I’d like to think- I didn’t seek you out so much anymore, I had to heal, you see
At fourth- I was out of town and you wanted to hang out and-
And I was confused… because not even a month earlier you stated the opposite fact
At fifth- you wanted to hang out but I told you to go eat instead
At sixth- you forgot and-
And I hated myself again for believing in you
At seventh- I’m watching breaking bad and you-
You apologize for being an asshole to me
And I forgave you- I think I forgive too easily, it still hurts you see
At eighth- we hung out again, it’s been months since I last saw you, hugged you, touched you
But I was unsure and I was careful
And you were awkward
And I warmed up in the light of the sun- perhaps it thawed my icy shell just enough for you to come in again
And you kissed me again and I-
I won’t lie, I enjoy it- kissing you, being close to you, touching you
I feel safe, I feel understood, I feel not so alone, I feel like things will be okay
But I don’t know- I mean I really do not know
How long I can keep not knowing what it is with “us”- the seemingly nonexistent “us”
Do I care too much?
Do I want too much?
Do you just want things simple?
And I-
I wonder how “friends with benefits”- because I don’t know what else to call “us”-
Is simple…
I just want to know what I mean to you
I just want to know why you do these things
I just want to know if you’re toying with my feelings-
Tugging at my heart strings

And I won’t blame you for too long if you go- if you just up and leave because I made things too complicated
I’ll blame you for a while- don’t hold that against me, please
You mean so much to me
But not enough to keep making myself miserable over
No- I can’t do that shit anymore.
emotions. 
fuck. 

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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
such situations arise because the man isn't willing to face reality. He just wants to hold back, and let it flow out until shit turns so bad, he doesn't have any other alternative. I know - I've been there (except I sucked up reality and just got it over with).

Sweetheart, I hope that things get well soon, and I hope things get well soon. You're honestly a good person, and it hurts to see you suffer like this. Friends with benefits doesn't work, you deserve better. Truly, you do. :(

:hug: stay strong. I'm here if you need anyone to talk to... Till then, know that your work is good - plotwise, portrayal wise, in terms of its presentation, the balance of the protagonist - and it did move me. Take care.
Reply
:iconieatrosepetals:
ieatrosepetals Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah this... This has long past. 
I sort of kicked him out of my life, if you will?
He's no longer apart of it && I no longer miss him. 
Thank you for your support though. :heart: 
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: good to know hun. Stay strong. Stay proud.
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Tough break, Fox.
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:iconieatrosepetals:
ieatrosepetals Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
isn't everything, just about? i'm considering taking this down since it no longer holds much purpose for me. but thank you for taking the time to read it.
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, OK. No worries!
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
I feel like he's just using you. In your place, I'd tell him to scram. Even if you like him for real, because he doesn't like you... :(
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:iconieatrosepetals:
ieatrosepetals Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm already done with him.
See journal titled "Well" xD
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
That's good. He's not worth your time.
:heart:
Reply
:iconalwaysraincheck:
AlwaysRainCheck Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Student General Artist
gosh...you made me feel everything, this work is truly amazing dear. 
& the guy you're describing...don't take me wrong, but i would really like to hit him hard on the head...
Reply
:iconieatrosepetals:
ieatrosepetals Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
i would want to hit him. with a fish. or a pillowcase full of bricks. i've decided i'm done no matter what his answer is. 
Reply
:iconalwaysraincheck:
AlwaysRainCheck Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Student General Artist
uh..the pillowcase full of brick sounds more effective, in my opinion. 
From what i understood i think it's a good decision my dear - hugs you tightly- 
Reply
:iconieatrosepetals:
ieatrosepetals Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
boys suck. haha. xD
Reply
:iconalwaysraincheck:
AlwaysRainCheck Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Student General Artist
ha! i'll make t-shirts! 
Reply
:iconbrokenisland:
brokenisland Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014
Oh gosh. The things I would say if I knew you better. This piece is beautifully written and it seems to have come from a place that is very tender and very real. Either that or you are an excellent fraud!

To be brief and blunt - I don't think the point is clear. I doubt he would read more than a third of it before losing his concentration. A boy who is clever with words is not necessarily emotionally intelligent.

Here is an example of a possible re-write. "Are we a couple or not? You have until Tuesday to figure it out."

And to be fair, you asked for two-cents - otherwise I would have kept it to myself! (I loved that one of yours)  Good luck!
Reply
:iconieatrosepetals:
ieatrosepetals Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks. 
&& i was afraid of that. 
sigh... sometimes i hate writing and i hate boys who have add and don't care about feelings. 
i've done something similar though before to say how i felt about him in the beginning which he got alright.. 
i don't know. 
i just sort of want to be done.
thank you. 
Reply
:iconbrokenisland:
brokenisland Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014
Yes, I sometimes hate writing too. But I also hate imploding. At least I can choose between the two.

I have had to give up on a few women that I thought might be my penguin. Kind of stupid of me - I'm pretty sure penguinism is a mutual force that does not wobble back and forth. It might be slow to develop, which is fine (I'm abstinent anyway,) but it shouldn't wobble much unless there is something seriously wrong. Big red flags all over the place there - big and red with neon lights and I hate looking at them. Stupid red flags...

I hope you decide to do whatever takes the best care of you. I'll send you some positive energy for an imaginary boost. Ouch! That hurts my head!
Reply
:iconieatrosepetals:
ieatrosepetals Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you for your kind words, it's been a great help to me. 
i've decided to resend something a hell of a lot blunter. 
and now i'm just tired. 
Reply
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February 16, 2014
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