RealizationsNothing feels the same anymore.Nothing will ever be the same.I'm losing people I never thought I'd loseLife is taking them awayLife is taking them on a road that's far from my ownAnd life is putting up more than just silly wooden barricades like you see in those video games to keep me away.
SometimesI’m afraid to sleep sometimes.The thoughts of “what if I don’t wake up this time” cloud my head sometimes.Not that the world would stop, if I didn’t wake up.Everything would keep going as usual, time would be undisturbed.
Writer's BlockI have stumbled upon a barricade“Stumbled upon” is too elegant of a phrase to use here though, I’ve decidedMore like I ran right into itWith my face mushed up against a windowAnd I’m looking throughMy hands are around my face; attempts to prevent glare from violating my visionI’m looking through but I cannot seeIt’s like someone turned out the lights on the other sideLike someone pulled down the blindsI have sat down with my back to this doorFor I have temporarily given up to rest my sightI have gone blind it seemsMy strength is slowly but surely fading awayAnd I lose my balance…My back hits the door && I fall through.
RegretSo many thingsI have left unsaid I regretFor the clock cannot bypass the flow of timeIt cannot simply change its course I regret .
SchizophreniaI feel like not myselfIs someone there, inside me as well?These thoughts, I struggle with them, the thoughts of dark, deadly things inside my headI feel like something else, not myselfI can hear its whispering inside my earsThese voices, I struggle with them, the words of anger and hatred demanding, commanding, controllingHello?Are you real or are you just in my head?
DownfallI think about all the breaking hearts sometimesJust about how easy it is nowHow attached we get in such little time, is our downfall.
I Am WithoutI feel…No I don’tI don’t feel anythingI’m vaguely aware of the throbbing of my head, yet the pain does not bleed throughIt’s just a minor inconvenience when I decide to stand, dizziness temporarily taking over meDepending on my reaction time I may fall to my knees or I may lean against the wallI’m vaguely aware of the feeling of millions of needles sticking into my kneeThey pierce the skin and deep down into my bone, tickling my nerves and causing something that I would previously referred to as painBut I don’t know anymore, if it is pain or notWhat is this “pain”?I fall to my knees this time as I realize I’m living while being the very thing I fearNumb, I am numbI am without pain.
No TimeI envy those who can travel far and wideOr at least live in more interesting places than mineHow I wish I could take to the sky and find the sunsets and the crystal waters that are mine in my mindI find myself daydreaming in class about what it would be like to be not here and somewhere far, far awayYet reality comes snapping back into place, with a slap across the face with cold airWith a piercing pain to my eardrums with a shriek of how I should pay attention to the lectureAnd I am reminded that I don’t have time for such silly things that could make me the happiest I’ve ever beenNeither time nor money, to pursue my dreamsI know it’s silly to envy those who have those things but I mean no ill will by it, trust me.
LifeWe gain[Life]We lose[Death]We fall[Expire]We stand back up[Rebirth]We lose[Life]We gain[Death]We stand up[Expire]We fall back down[Reawakening].
Sooner Than LaterI hear little footstepsBehind meTo my sideIn the leavesI strain my eyesBut sooner than later, find nothing.
To Be One Or The OtherSome days I’d like to be the wandererSearching far and wide, high and low, thick and thin for answers yet to be discovered&& if not answers, at least a different take on things, for thinking of things in the same way each day is rather tiringMy soul is wary as is my brain, hearing the same dull things day by day, nothing new happening my wayI would like to escape!Yes, I mean it in the literal sense; take that phrase literally not figurativelyYet some days I don’t mind to be the wondererSipping on some hot chocolate and just pondering the things I’ve yet to discoverSome days my body is not well enough to escape the restraints of this society and seek something new!Some days the ball and chain are too heavy for me to lift, much less drag behind meMy soul is wary still, as is my brain but what can I do if my brain fails to send correct signals to my legs?What can I do if I’m not well enough to gather up my skirts and petticoats enough to escape out the w
All Systems are Shutting DownI shut downKicking everyone outI sit alone inside myself, while other pieces of me close the gates around my heartAnd lock the door to my brainI refuse to let anyone in; I pretend I’m not home“Please leave your message after the beep…”Beep.“Where are you?”I don’t know.“Are you okay?”I don’t know.“When are you gonna let me in?”I don’t know.
My Wildest DreamsI want to travel to places I’ve never been yet seen thousands of times through photographs and books. I want to meditate in a Buddhist temple for a few weeks. I want to see the ruins of past cities, I want to study them. I want to learn the ancient languages that have been almost completely forgotten. A friend said I could put money into my retirement fund but with the way things are going now by the time I could retire I might be dead. I told my mother I want to go to Africa. She looked at me like I had lost my mind. “It’s dangerous!” Really? Is that all she thought of? There’s so much more than the danger lurking there… the beauty, the culture, I want to see it and experience it. I want to take my camera with me on this journey around the world. I’d love to see the remains of the rainforest before they are wiped out completely! I want to climb the highest mountains and see the great beauties of the land below me from such a height. I want to
DepressionThe depression is like tar that has seeped into my veinsClogging all my arteries and leaving me here to decayMy fingers can barely move to type or write now and that only adds to my overall conditionThe human condition that is common, depression(1)1. A mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.&& it makes me feel so very pathetic because I can’t seem to move myself towards the light much anymore.
BogeymanDo you hear the creaking in the hallway?The sound of heavy foot falls on old floorboards Hiding under your bed won’t help, childNor will locking your door You’ve been a bad child; he’s coming to get youIf only you had been good He’ll stuff you in a sack and carry you awayHe’s hiding under your bed, sweetie; you better go to sleep I could have protected you if you were goodWhy didn’t you just take your pills? The bogeyman is coming, yes the bogeyman’s comingYou best swallow your pills and lay your head down, sweet baby; before he takes you away.
I Fancy Myself A PoetI fancy myself a poet butam really unimpressed by whatin honesty I simply string togethermy thoughts one after anotherhowever unrelatedexaggeratedor nonsensical they may be(they make some sort of sense to me)place them on a page and say(as blind as I was yesterday)"poetry"
Broken PromisesYou broke a promiseand left me with the shards-the leftover pieces of what was-they cut meand left scarsupon me, scarsand in the aftermaththe leftover pieces of what wascan't be put backtogether againthere's no gluepermanent or strong enoughto repair this messand all becauseyou broke a promiseand left me with the shards.
Passion UnboundPassion is chaos a lovely yet dangerous sortreality bends to accommodate the impressive forceof deep knowledgebarely held inand every so oftenit bursts into flame becomes something elsea miracle, or a curse you'd never dreamed of.Passion is chaosa lovely yet dangerous sort.
In The MiddleIt's so much easier to find acceptance here,between I don't have to worry about so much scrutiny,simply take a deep breath and be myself.I feel warm, comfortable and safe here in the middle,whereas being placed in front or back (or to either side)would present me with some difficultypush me from the little microcosm I've made for myselfwithina certain percentage of everyone.
When... But...When I was younger, we held hands and we had fun,But now that I'm older, I see you and that's all gone.When I was younger, I got hurt and you were there,But now that I'm older, you're not there to pick me up.When we were younger, we had our fun, we were friends,When we were younger, I knew you and you knew me,But now we're older, you're just one of those faces,And now that we're older, we have drifted apart.When I was younger, I looked to you and saw it all,But now that I'm older, I'm just a broken record.You're such a preety thing, and I'm not your lover,Please don't forget, I remember those times together...
Once Upon A TimeOnce an enchanted forest stoodin a land of magic and wonder,and within this land lived bravery and truthevil and cowardicehope and happinesshatred and despair,but most importantly there was an element that could change any gameturn the tables of any battleand that wasand istrue love.
What?What if I fell to the floor?Couldn't take this anymore?Bottled this up for so long,That I can no longer be strong.I'm being buried six feet under!By these lies that tear me asunder,They're killing me, ripping me apart,What if I break? And have to restart?I'm weak at the seams,I'm brought almost to tears,My knees buckle and I fall down,When I fall, will you hear the sound?
Every Single FootstepIt wasn't rightI knowthe release I feltas I saw you gobut I needed to see every single footstep of yours,away from methe final thing I had to dowas let go of youso I let my silhouette peek at youthrough the second story windowfading, silent shadows hung from meas I watched you leave.
Silent BladeRevenge, so clearly now, isa pleasing shade of red.I remove my hand and cloak my headunder gathering darkness.ADropOf myBlood Falls To theGround.I watched your downward falland now turn my face,heart beating fastasI stride away,not touched at all.BreaksThe soilNever toBe found.Your eyes told many secrets,I knew them well.Black letterswerewritten as you fellinto fathomless depths.A singleDrop notMore norLess, yet Still inTime andNo regret.There will be no funeralnor eternal restfor this coldsoul.Time's belabored guestto linger always after all.OpenWideThe Heart.
Is GoneEvery minute of the day is d r i f